By Wayne Froggatt
Copyright
Notice: This document is copyright å© to the author (1990-97). Single copies
(which include this notice) may be made for therapeutic or training purposes.
For permission to use it in any other way, please contact: Wayne Froggatt, PO
Box 2292, Stortford Lodge, Hastings, New Zealand. (E-mail:
waynefroggatt@rational.org.nz). Comments are welcomed. This document is located
on the internet site: http://www.rational.org.nz Reprinted here with permission
Most people want to be happy.
They would like to feel good, avoid pain, and achieve their goals. For many,
though, happiness seems to be an elusive dream. In fact, it appears that we
humans are much better at disturbing and defeating ourselves! Instead of
feeling good, we are more likely to worry, feel guilty and get depressed. We
put ourselves down and feel shy, hurt or self-pitying. We get jealous, angry,
hostile and bitter or suffer anxiety, tension and panic.
On top of feeling bad, we often
act in self-destructive ways. Some strive to be perfect in everything they do.
Many mess up relationships. Others worry about disapproval and let people use
them as doormats. Still others compulsively gamble, smoke and overspend - or
abuse alcohol, drugs and food. Some even try to end it all.
The strange thing is, most of
this pain is avoidable! We don't have to do it to ourselves. Humans can,
believe it or not, learn how to choose how they feel and behave.
As you think, so you feel.
People feel disturbed not by
things, but by the views they take of them.' Ancient words, from a first-
century philosopher named Epictetus - but they are just as true now.
Events and circumstances do not
cause your reactions. They result from what you tell yourself about the things
that happen. Put simply, thoughts cause feelings and behaviours. Or, more
precisely, events and circumstances serve to trigger thoughts, which then
create reactions. These three processes are intertwined.
The past is significant. But
only in so far as it leaves you with your current attitudes and beliefs.
External events - whether in the past, present, or future - cannot influence
the way you feel or behave until you become aware of and begin to think about
them.
To fear something (or react in
any other way), you have to be thinking about it. The cause is not the event -
it's what you tell yourself about the event.
The ABC's of feelings &
behaviours
American psychologist Albert
Ellis, the originator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT), was one of
the first to systematically show how beliefs determine the way human beings
feel and behave. Dr. Ellis developed the 'ABC' model to demonstrate this.
'A' refers to whatever started
things off: a circumstance, event or experience - or just thinking about
something which has happened. This triggers off thoughts ('B'), which in turn
create a reaction - feelings and behaviours - ('C').
To see this in operation, let's
meet Alan. A young man who had always tended to doubt himself, Alan imagined
that other people did not like him, and that they were only friendly because
they pitied him. One day, a friend passed him in the street without returning
his greeting - to which Alan reacted negatively. Here is the event, Alan's
beliefs, and his reaction, put into the ABC format:
A. What started things off:
Friend passed me in the street
without speaking to me.
B. Beliefs about A.:
1. He's ignoring me. He doesn't
like me.
2. I could end up without
friends for ever.
3. That would be terrible.
4. For me to be happy and feel
worthwhile, people must like me.
5. I'm unacceptable as a friend
- so I must be worthless as a person.
C. Reaction:
Feelings: worthless, depressed.
Behaviours: avoiding people generally.
Now, someone who thought
differently about the same event would react in another way:
A. What started things off:
Friend passed me in the street
without speaking to me.
B. Beliefs about A.:
1. He didn't ignore me
deliberately. He may not have seen me.
2. He might have something on
his mind.
3. I'd like to help if I can.
C. Reaction:
Feelings: Concerned.
Behaviours: Went to visit
friend, to see how he is.
These examples show how
different ways of viewing the same event can lead to different reactions. The
same principle operates in reverse: when people react alike, it is because they
are thinking in similar ways.
The rules we live by
What we tell ourselves in
specific situations depends on the rules we hold. Everyone has a set of general
'rules'. Some will be rational, others will be self-defeating or irrational.
Each person's set is different.
Mostly subconscious, these
rules determine how we react to life. When an event triggers off a train of
thought, what we consciously think depends on the general rules we
subconsciously apply to the event.
Let us say that you hold the
general rule: 'To be worthwhile, I must succeed at everything I do.' You happen
to fail an examination; an event which, coupled with the underlying rule, leads
you to the conclusion: 'I'm not worthwhile.'
Underlying rules are
generalisations: one rule can apply to many situations. If you believe, for
example:
'I can't stand discomfort and
pain and must avoid them at all costs,' you might apply this to the dentist, to
work, to relationships, and to life in general.
Why be concerned about your
rules? While most will be valid and helpful, some will be self-defeating.
Faulty rules will lead to faulty conclusions. Take the rule: 'If I am to feel
OK about myself, others must like and approve of me.' Let us say that your boss
tells you off. You may (rightly) think: 'He is angry with me' - but you may
wrongly conclude: 'This proves I'm a failure.' And changing the situation (for
instance, getting your boss to like you) would still leave the underlying rule
untouched. It would then be there to bother you whenever some future event
triggered it off.
Most self-defeating rules are a
variation of one or other of the '12 Self-defeating Beliefs' listed at the end
of this article. Take a look at this list now. Which ones do you identify with?
Which are the ones that guide your reactions?
What are self-defeating
beliefs?
To describe a belief as
self-defeating, or irrational, is to say that:
á
It distorts reality (it's a misinterpretation of what's
happening); or it involves some illogical ways of evaluating yourself, others,
and the world around you: awfulising, can't-stand-it-itis, demanding and
people-rating;
á
It blocks you from achieving your goals and purposes;
á
It creates extreme emotions which persist, and which
distress and immobilise; and
á
It leads to behaviours that harm yourself, others, and
your life in general.
Four ways to screw yourself
up
There are four typical ways of
thinking that will make you feel bad or behave in dysfunctional ways:
1. Awfulising: using words like
'awful', 'terrible', 'horrible', 'catastrophic' to describe something -
e.g. 'It would be terrible if ‰Û¦',
'It's the worst thing that could happen', 'That would be the end of the world'.
2. Cant-stand-it-itis: viewing
an event or experience as unbearable - e.g. 'I can't stand it', 'It's
absolutely unbearable', I'll die if I get rejected'.
3. Demanding: using 'shoulds'
(moralising) or 'musts' (musturbating) - e.g. 'I should not have done that, 'I
must not fail', 'I need to be loved', 'I have to have a drink'.
4. People-rating: labelling or
rating your total self (or someone else's) - e.g. 'I'm stupid /hopeless /
useless /worthless.'
Rational thinking
Rational thinking presents a
vivid contrast to its illogical opposite:
- It is based on reality - it
emphasises seeing things as they really are, keeping their badness in
perspective, tolerating frustration and discomfort, preferring rather than
demanding, and self- acceptance;
- It helps you achieve your
goals and purposes;
- It creates emotions you can
handle; and
- It helps you behave in ways
which promote your aims and survival.
We are not talking about so-called
'positive thinking'. Rational thinking is realistic thinking. It is concerned
with facts - the real world - rather than subjective opinion or wishful
thinking.
Realistic thinking leads to
realistic emotions. Negative feelings aren't always bad for you. Neither are
all positive feelings beneficial. Feeling happy when someone you love has died,
for example, may hinder you from grieving properly. Or to be unconcerned in the
face of real danger could put your survival at risk. Realistic thinking avoids
exaggeration of both kinds - negative and positive.
The techniques of change
How does one actually set about
achieving self-control and choice? The best place to start is by learning how
to identify the thoughts and beliefs which cause your problems.
Next, learn how to apply this
knowledge by analysing specific episodes where you feel and behave in the ways
you would like to change. It is most effective to do this in writing at first,
and later it will become easier to do it in your head. You connect whatever
started things off, your reaction, and the thoughts which came in between. You
then check out those thoughts and change the self-defeating ones. This method,
called Rational Self-Analysis, uses the ABC approach described earlier,
extended to include sections for setting a goal or new desired effect ('E'),
disputing and changing beliefs ('D'), and, finally, further action to put those
changes into practice ('F').
That final step is important.
You will get there faster when you put into action what you have changed
in your mind. Let us say you
decide to stop feeling guilty when you do something for yourself. The next step
is to do it. Spend an hour a day reading a novel. Purchase some new clothes.
Have coffee with a friend or a weekend away without the family. Do the things
you would previously have regarded as 'undeserved'.
Overcoming obstacles
While change is possible, it is
not easy - mainly because of a very human tendency known as 'low- discomfort
tolerance'.
Most of us want to be
physically and emotionally comfortable. But personal change means giving up
some old habits of thinking and behaving and 'safe' ways of approaching life.
Whereas before you may have
blamed others for your problems, now you start to take responsibility for
yourself and what you want. You risk new ways of thinking and acting. You step
out into the unknown. This could increase your stress and emotional pain -
temporarily. In other words, you may well feel worse before you feel better.
Telling yourself that you
'can't stand it' could lead you to avoid change. You might decide to stick with
the way things are, unpleasant though it is. You know you would be better off
in the long run, but you choose to avoid the extra pain now.
Or you might look for a quick
solution. Do you hope that somewhere there's a fancy therapy which will cure
you straight away - without you having to do anything? I meet many people who
try therapist after therapist, but never stay with one approach long enough to
learn anything that will help. They still live in hope, though, and often get a
brief boost from meeting new therapists or therapy groups.
As well as fearing discomfort,
you may also worry that you 'won't be a real person'. You think that you will
end up 'pretending' to feel and behave in new ways, and imagine yourself as
false or phoney. Somehow, it seems, to choose how you feel seems 'less than
human'.
You are, though, already
choosing your reactions - even though you may not be fully aware of doing so.
And using conscious choice is what sets humans apart from instinct-bound
animals. It is also what makes you a unique person - different to every other.
So give up the notion that it is false and machine- like to use your brain to
avoid bad feelings. Getting depressed, worried, and desperate does not make you
more human.
You might worry that learning
self-control will make you cold and unemotional, with no feelings at all. This
common fear is quite misguided. The opposite is true: if you learn how to
handle strong feelings you will be less afraid of them. This will free you to
experience a fuller range of emotions than before.
While self-improvement may be
hard, it is achievable. The blocks I have described are all self-created.
They're nothing more than beliefs - ideas you can change using practical
techniques you can learn.
Rational thinking is not just
academic theory. People from a wide range of social and educational backgrounds
have already used it successfully. You will be able to as well.
It is true that human beings
start life with a biological predisposition to irrational thinking, which they
then add to by learning new and harmful ways of behaving and viewing life. But
there is a positive side to human nature - we also have the ability to think
about our beliefs and change the dysfunctional ones.
What about problems you can't
sort out on your own? Some outside help may be a useful supplement to your
self-help efforts. Whether or not you have such help, though, taking
responsibility for your feelings and actions will be the key to success. You
will also need some hard work and perseverance. But, happily, by learning how
to identify and change self-defeating beliefs and attitudes, these things can
be within your control - and happiness within your reach.
12 Self-defeating Beliefs
1. I need love and approval
from those significant to me - and I must avoid disapproval from any source.
2. To be worthwhile as a person
I must achieve, succeed at what ever I do, and make no mistakes.
3. People should always do the
right thing. When they behave obnoxiously, unfairly or selfishly, they must be
blamed and punished.
4. Things must be the way I
want them to be - otherwise life will be intolerable.
5. My unhappiness is caused by
things outside my control - so there is little I can do to feel any better.
6. I must worry about things
that could be dangerous, unpleasant or frightening - otherwise they might
happen.
7. I can be happier by avoiding
life's difficulties, unpleasantness, and responsibilities.
8. Everyone needs to depend on
someone stronger than themselves.
9. Events in my past are the
cause of my problems - and they continue to influence my feelings and
behaviours now.
10. I should become upset when
other people have problems and feel unhappy when they're sad.
11. I should not have to feel
discomfort and pain - I
can't stand them and must avoid
them at all costs.
12. Every problem should have
an ideal solution, and it is intolerable when one can't be found.
12 Rational Beliefs
1. Love and approval are good
things to have, and I'll seek them when I can. But they are not necessities - I
can survive (even though uncomfortably) without them.
2. I'll always seek to achieve
as much as I can - but unfailing success and competence is unrealistic. Better
I just accept myself as a person, separate to my performance.
3. It's unfortunate that people
sometimes do bad things. But humans are not yet perfect - and upsetting myself
won't change that reality.
4. There is no law which says
that things have to be the way I want. It's disappointing, but I can stand it
- especially if I avoid
catastrophising.
5. Many external factors are
outside my control. But it is my thoughts (not the externals) which cause my
feelings. And I can learn to control my thoughts.
6. Worrying about things that
might go wrong won't stop them happening. It will, though, ensure I get upset
and disturbed right now!
7. Avoiding problems is only
easier in the short term - putting things off can make them worse later on. It
also gives me more time to worry about them!
8. Relying on someone else can
lead to dependent behaviour. It is OK to seek help - as long as I learn to
trust myself and my own judgement.
9. The past can't influence me
now. My current beliefs cause my reactions. I may have learned
these beliefs in the past, but
I can choose to analyse and change them in the present.
10. I can't change other
people's problems and bad feelings by getting myself upset.
11. Why should I in particular
not feel discomfort and pain? I don't like them, but I can stand it. Also, my
life would be very restricted if I always avoided discomfort.
12. Problems usually have many
possible solutions. It is better to stop waiting for the perfect one and get on
with the best available. I can live with less than the ideal.
This article has adapted and
summarised from the book Choose to be Happy: Your step-by-step guide By Wayne
Froggatt, Published by HarperCollins New Zealand, Auckland, 1993.