SELF-WORTH - WHAT IT IS AND IS NOT

by Vincent L. Fox

 

If you feel that you are worthless, you may be a victim of your culture that has told you that your worth depends on your achievements and the judgments of others.

 

If you base your worth on achievements such as production and advancement, you may dig yourself into a depressive pit when you fail (as we humans often do) to accomplish some objective or goal. Some modest and reasonable achievement in life is, of course, necessary. It's a matter of moderation and balance, working sensibly within the limits of your time, talents, and opportunities. My five and one-half foot neighbor will never play for the Boston Celtics, but he's a loving father and a grand teacher!

 

David Burns wrote, "Consider the fact that most human beings are not great achievers, yet most people [survive, and] are happy and well respected."

 

If you base your worth on positive or negative criticisms from others, realize that their criticisms are merely judgments by people who don't have all the facts and who have no right to act as your self-appointed judges. If you determine your worth by their judgments, your life will be an up and down roller coaster ride and you will be miserable. Albert Ellis calls this "the doctrine of variable worth."

 

 

The feeling of worthlessness affects men and women in different ways.

 

For women it can be a devastating experience, especially for those who experience depression after a loss of love or approval. The same society that supports organized brutalities such as football and boxing, assigned them second-class citizen status—a promotion from the third-class status of only 20 years ago. Women are vulnerable. They are moving targets. Far too many of them are prisoners, kept on pedestals, enclosed by steel bars.

 

And men?

David Burns, in his superlative book, Feeling Good, wrote that men are even more vulnerable than women to feelings of worthlessness. He pointed out that men have been programmed since childhood to base their worth on their accomplishments. They must deal with unrealistic expectations assigned to them by the society in which they live. Winners are honored with fame and fortune, but the rest of us are treated as "losers," and are forgotten. Our culture tells us that what we do is important, but what we are is not. That is wrong, dead wrong. It's no wonder we have so many frustrated, unhappy people.

 

Here's what worth is really all about.

Worth is a philosophical concept, not a yardstick. Worth is to be recognized, not judged by you or others. Worth is a constant, not a variable. Worth—your worth— is not contingent on your performance, degrees, trophies, possessions, titles, physical stature, money, or behavior. Your worth is intrinsic to you as a human being, distinguished from all other forms of life. Accept it and rejoice in it.

 

If you are a Believer, you know that your worth transcends the mere human. You are part human, part divine. For a Believer to criticize the self is to criticize God, and that is unseemly at best, sacrilegious at worst.

 

Your behavior may be rational or irrational and your accomplishments modest or enormous, but you are you, a human being with a mind and will. You are a million light years beyond your closest kin in the animal world, and sixty-eleven-trillion light years (plus or minus a few days) beyond any animate or inanimate creature in any universe or galaxy. Among humans, you are not just special—you are unique. You can neither increase nor diminish your worth. You can only accept it.

 

Please don't concern yourself with self-esteem and self-love. Those ideas involve rating, measuring (comparing to others), and judging. Accept yourself for what you are, a diamond in the rough—but don't forget to polish it once in a while. Paul Hauck wrote a book on the subject of self-worth: Overcoming The Rating Game: Beyond Self-Love: Beyond Self-Esteem. Please read it.

 

So please don't tell me—or you—that you are worthless. If someone said to you the things you sometimes say to yourself, you would be insulted and probably say something like, "You have no damned right to say that!" Right, but then, neither do you.

 

How strange that I should feel it necessary to tell you how magnificent you are. Didn't you know? Almost any therapist would tell you what I've just told you. So, spend $100 and check it out, or just think it through and accept it. If you accept the truth as I have told it, and feel better, send a quarter to Vince Fox, 5351 E. 9th Street, Indianapolis, IN 46219. If you accept the truth, and don't feel better, let me know, and I'll send you a dollar.

 

© V. Fox, 1989