A few days traveling, waiting in airports, dealing with
lost luggage and unfamiliar highways, looking in vain for internet connections
in hotel rooms, trying to find decent coffee in rural Georgia.... and it was
pretty easy to find situations involving this common conditionÉ.
Low frustration tolerance
LFT often underlies substance abuse and compulsive
behaviors, since it causes stress, anxiety, and anger. Dealing with the
incremental effects of minor irritations is the key to daily serenity. ItÕs
surprising how important managing this can be to avoiding the ÔneedÕ to alter
our minds. The reward psychology of substance use is common in the
advertisements for beer and wine.
Low frustration tolerance is often characterized by...
á Insistence
on pursuing immediate pleasures, in spite of known costs.
á Whining,
awfulizing, and engaging in self-pity.
á Ascribing
absolute conditions to situations and predicting dire outcomes.
á Avoiding
discomforts that are known to be temporary.
á Exaggerating
discomforts even though they are temporary.
á Impatience
that is out of proportion to the situation.
á Impulsive
behavior to ÔcorrectÕ a situation which might simply have corrected itself with
time.
á Procrastination
due to an inability to choose between outcomes.
Low frustration tolerance beliefs usually includeÉ
ÔI canÕt stand it. I canÕt bear it. ItÕs intolerable. This
is unfair. She always does this. He never does that. I shouldnÕt have to do
this. He shouldnÕt do this to me. Everybody thinks this about me.Õ
They are often predictive: ÔEveryone will think this.
Nobody will be there. WeÕll have to do everything. I wonÕt be able to stand
this (because I couldnÕt stand it before).Õ
Of course, they often lead to self-fulfilling conditions
as we exaggerate the outcome: ÔToday was awful. Everyone was unhelpful. Things
were unfair.Õ And the solution? ÔI need a tall, cold one.Õ
The general attitude is that I, or things, or events will
fall apart. Life will never be happy or comfortable again.
Disputing these beliefs?
They are irrational, either because they are incorrect,
unprovable, or grossly exaggerated.
The beliefs may be provably false, though persuading
ourselves or others of this can be surprisingly difficult!
More to the point, dwelling on whether or not the beliefs
are true can be unconstructive—focusing on the condition and how ÔbadÕ
things are interferes with taking action or developing acceptance.
An accurate description which separates the situation from
our emotional condition can be useful.
Example: The line may in fact be slow, and the clerk may
be tedious. But the line and the clerk arenÕt irritating; we are irritated—this
is an important distinction!
Recognizing that we are responsible for our own emotions is
a crucial step towards taking control of them.
Developing high frustration tolerance:
á Work
towards beliefs that are flexible, not absolute, and not exaggerated.
á Avoid
absolute words and assertions.
á Recognize
that there may be things that you very strongly prefer—to the point that
you might describe your preference as a need. But the fact that you have a
strong preference simply makes it more difficult—not impossible—to
tolerate a situation in which that preference is not met.
á Create
a plan for effective action when the situation can be changed, or
á Learn
to recognize when a situation cannot be changed at this time, and adjust to
that fact.
Simple techniques:
Practice on small irritants first. ÔSee the spark before
the flameÕ by noticing when you are beginning to be irked by some behavior,
some delay, or some repeating condition in your daily activities.
Develop a sense of humor about the things that frustrate
you. Irreverence can be a useful coping strategy.
Get an outside perspective. Others can often help you
understand how you are exaggerating how dire the situation is, or can give you
another viewpoint—constructive suggestions for action to change the
situation.
Pursue optimism! Seek optimistic people, and avoid the
toxic negativity of angry and passive-aggressive people.
If certain people are a daily problem, develop a conscious
strategy for minimizing their effect on your mood.
Remember the famous expression, ascribed to Abraham
Lincoln:
ÒThis too shall pass.Ó
Though he was describing the Civil War, it applies as well
to the line at the airport....or a kidney stone, for that matter.