Where does motivation come from?
Studies
of self-remission (people who quit on their own) show that there is no single
source of motivation. People are not consistent about when, how, or why they
choose to change unhealthy behaviors.
What motivates others?
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Medical, legal, or work issues.
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Family pressure.
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Financial constraints.
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One too many sick mornings.
Some people have a sudden realization of all the different alcohol
is messing up their lives; sort of an epiphany. For others the awareness builds
gradually.
Do
it for others? This can be a useful short term approach. Certainly the concerns
of my children sustained my decision for abstinence early in my sobriety. It
was simple to think about how they would react if they learned I had been
drinking. IÕm guessing that your drinking is not a secret, and that there are
folks around you who are concerned about it. In the long run, this may not be
sustainable as motivation because it can be easy to get to a point of
discouragement where we donÕt feel that folks care. ItÕs important not to place
responsibility for our behavior on others. But helping them avoid stress can be
an important goal.
Do
it because itÕs the ÔrightÕ thing to do: a rational or ethical approach. When
you drink you endanger yourself and others. You help to fund a huge amoral
industry. You damage your health. You allow your thinking to be manipulated by
shrewd advertising campaigns. Many of the same arguments that reinforce a decision
for vegetarianism, for shopping locally, for supporting certain causes, can be
made in favor of abstinence. It is a virtuous thing to choose.
Do
it for yourself: this is really the most important reason, in my opinion, but
it may take some serious work on self acceptance. Valuing who you are,
recognizing self-defeating thinking, and working towards fulfillment and
happiness – these are learned life skills. One of the saddest sentences I
have ever seen posted on a forum read simply ÔI donÕt feel I deserve sobriety.Õ
IÕve often thought of that personÕs anguish, of how that discouraging belief
was acting as a barrier to change.
Do
it for peace of mind. Talk to people with long term sobriety about how they
feel about abstinence. Ask them why they quit, and what they like about
it. I think youÕll find this at
the core of their decision. We were tired of daily anxiety and stress about
alcohol. We knew it was causing us problems. We didnÕt know if quitting
drinking would cure everything. But I can say from my own experience that when
I made a firm decision for abstinence, it was like a huge load off my mind.
Much of my anxiety fell away.
It wasnÕt a miracle: there were many emotional things to deal
with. But quitting drinking increased my peace of mind. IÕm sorry to say you
wonÕt know until you quit, and the results are not immediate or guaranteed! But
I think most people find it makes their lives easier in many ways.
The most common thing people using CBT approaches start with is
the cost-benefit analysis (CBA), because it is a systematic way of addressing
these issues. It isnÕt just a list of what is going wrong, how much itÕs all
costing, and what you think youÕll miss. It has two purposes: to enhance
motivation (carry it around with you, and refer to it often!), and to start
developing better coping skills.
Over time your CBA becomes a basis for setting goals and enacting
change. The same issue may arise in different ways. For example:
--Loss of work hours is a cost of drinking.
--Better clarity of thinking enhancing your work would be a benefit
of quitting.
--Advancement or a career change may be a medium-range goal of
yours.
Reminding ourselves of our goals helps strengthen our motivation.
How is drinking holding you back? How will quitting help you move forward?
One of the most important, and often neglected, parts of the CBA
is identifying the benefits of drinking. We tend to gloss over this because by
the time weÕve gotten here, we donÕt want to admit there were any reasons for
alcohol in our lives. Or the behavior has become so established that weÕve
forgotten why we started in the first place. But if drinking
--helps us overcome social anxiety,
--temporarily lifts our depression,
--allows us to forget about issues,
--we find it exhilarating
ÉweÕre likely to miss those things. It will be difficult to stay
motivated if anxiety, stress, depression, boredom, or emotional distress start
crowding our suddenly less-foggy brains.
Overcoming ambivalence is one of the steps that gets us from
contemplation to action.
The
key obstacles to firm decision making are fear, uncertainty, and discomfort.
That really applies to any decisions we have to make in life. So why would it
be any different for changing long-entrenched behaviors? Very few people like
change. We donÕt know how our friends and family will react. We immediately
feel antsy, our digestion is upset, we canÕt sleep.
Overcoming
fear can be a process of rationally disputing the specific beliefs that are
holding us back. The common REBT tool, the ABC, is used for this. ItÕs a pen
and paper exercise, but over time it can become nearly automatic. Even simpler
is to get in the habit, once you recognize fearful thinking, of asking yourself
some simple questions about those thoughts: is it really so awful? What is the
worst that can happen? Am I exaggerating this situation?
Overcoming
uncertainty is usually best done by seeking support and information. Peer
support can be very useful in dealing with the Ôwhat ifÕ questions (ÔWhat about
the holidays? What will my sister think? Should I go to this wedding?Õ).
Planning for those situations, brainstorming with others, and just feeling less
alone can work wonders. Personally I found forum boards very useful; others
prefer online meetings or face-to-face meetings. Reach out for help and
encouragement. ItÕs free, useful, and easy.
The
same goes for the discomfort. There are common physical symptoms when we quit
alcohol. Your doctor can discuss management of those symptoms, or whether you
might want to be supervised. A lot of it is just common sense stuff: eat a
healthy diet, manage your blood sugar, drink plenty of fluids, take vitamins,
start exercising.
One
of the most common issues is peer pressure. People who achieve longterm
sobriety make some lifestyle changes. Hanging out in bars, going out partying,
going to the afternoon barbecue where ÔeveryoneÕ will be drinking—thatÕs
lifestyle. If you donÕt want to be a stoner, you have to avoid the stoner
mentality, and probably quit hanging out with stoners. ThatÕs a lifestyle. It
may be necessary to shake things up a bit.
Staying on course: maintaining motivation.
Just
as we all had different motives in choosing abstinence, we all find different
things keep it going. It's your plan; find what works best for you.
--Making that public pronouncement is helpful to many people,
whether here on a forum board, to selected friends, or to family members.
--Continuing to make those lifestyle changes: expanding new
activities, new friendships, developing or resuming old hobbies.
--Celebrating your achievements in reducing the harm drinking has
done, whether by counting days or by spending a little of the extra cash youÕre
noticing in your pockets.
--Making times – weekly, monthly, seasonally -- to review
your short, medium, and long term goals.
--Recognizing how abstinence is helping you achieve
those—especially long term -- goals.
Achieving balance in your life is a condition to actively pursue.
(SMART Recovery refers to Ôlifestyle balanceÕ as the 4th Point of their
program). It's time to get away from the stoner/drinker mentality of passive
living.
Lifestyle balance is a combination of finding
--joy in the newfound clarity of our daily lives,
--satisfaction in making, pursuing, and achieving goals.
As we learn to value our selves, enact change in our lives, and
see and feel more clearly, we realize that happiness is a planned condition.