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families and social gatherings are harder to avoid
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there are more opportunities for lapsing,
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and alcohol seems to be everywhere.
While sobriety often involves avoiding situations where
alcohol is present, that may be much more difficult due to our jobs or family
obligations.
But successful sobriety involves planning for urges, and
much of the distress can be of our own making. Hence, we can make a happy
holiday if we plan for urges and focus our thoughts.
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Having allies as you plan for the holiday parties can
make it easier to develop exit strategies for parties.
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BYOB—bring your own special beverages.
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Do some role playing so you are prepared for the drink
offers.
But remember that most people donÕt really care if you are
drinking, so youÕre unlikely to have to defend yourself.
Anxiety about not drinking in public seems to be a common
reason for lapses! ÒNo, thanksÓ is really all the answer anyone needs—though
dense folks may need to hear it a couple of times.
Our own families can seem to be an obstacle to sobriety,
but ÔseemÕ is the operative word and our own beliefs and expectations are the
real problem.
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Avoid self-fulfilling prophecies: Ôshe always gets to
meÕ, ÔheÕs going to drive me nutsÕ.
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Try to be aware of our own absolute and demanding
thoughts. Then itÕs easier to see how we set ourselves up for distress.
The underlying belief in most cases is a demand we are
making that everything be perfect, that there be no disharmony or conflict‰Û¦in
other words, that people not be human, and that they live up to an ideal weÕve
constructed for how the holidays ÔshouldÕ go!
Some people spend so much time planning for happy events
that they forget to notice when the happiness is happening! It isnÕt that
golden moment when you all sit down at the Norman Rockwell table and Grandpa
carves the turkey—itÕs the laughter an hour before when the kids were ÔhelpingÕ
in the kitchen.
As we plan for an idealized holiday, we may be building
unrealistic expectations, creating anxiety about imperfections, and magnifying
flaws. If we are more rigid in our thinking, we may become more and more
brittle as the time passes and all the flaws seem to mount É.
Taking a step back and seeing when people are genuinely
enjoying spontaneous moments can make those imperfections seem trivial.
We use our own subjective and highly imperfect memories of
how it Ôused to beÕ—implying, in this belief, that something has changed.
Or the memories of ÔbadÕ holidays past may be clouding the happiness of this
one.
These anxieties and distresses can be real triggers. How
realistic are those memories, good or bad, and why are we allowing them to
impinge on this year?
If we spend our time planning for perfection and
remembering perfection—is that the measure of happiness during the
holiday?
Taking a step back to pick out the moments and images of
beauty, with our newly sober and sharper minds, can give us a perspective that
we missed when we were drinking.
Taking a moment to recognize the things we appreciate
about this season—the beginnings of the longer days, the stark beauty of
the winter, the colorful and joyous things that have been assembled by those
who have come together—taking those moments can help provide a balance
and serenity.
And seeing the humor in the madness and folly of seasonal
travel and family gatherings can help us tolerate even the most ill-minded
folks!
You canÕt change other people. But you can change how you
react to them, and create reasonable expectations.
We can plan to avoid lapses. And we can keep to an
unshakable belief that there is no aspect of this season that drinking would
make better.
Make a happy holiday!