Anxiety about dealing with life sober is one of the most
common things people mention as an impediment to abstinence. This implies a
belief that drinking helps us cope with stress, anxiety, depression, etc. If
you think about it, drinking postpones that coping. Yes, your brain feels some relief while the alcohol is
there, but your emotions are more raw and volatile when your body is going
through the ups and downs of drinking behavior.
But you have the tools to deal with stress and anxiety. In
fact, the way you dealt with drinking is a way of dealing with emotional stress
factors. Planning, working on things a little at a time, remembering to
congratulate yourself on your accomplishments—no matter how small—can
all apply to dealing with upsets.
I like to think about it the way I garden. I have a huge
garden area around the house, which always has far more in the way of tasks
than I can accomplish at once. So, I can stand around and fret about how long
itÕll take me to get all the weeds pulled, or I can just start pulling them.
Thirty minutes a day of fretting wonÕt get anything done. Thirty minutes a day
of weeding will gradually make the garden more beautiful. Reminding myself that
there is beauty even amongst the weeds will keep my attitude more positive.
Just as with drinking, there are beliefs which form the
basis of the things you are anxious about. We canÕt control everything around
us, but we can control the way we react to events and people. The simplest
first step is to recognize when we are making emotional demands (they ÒshouldnÕtÓ
do that), or are ÒawfulizingÓ situations (things ÒalwaysÓ go wrong, that person
ÒneverÓ treats me right). Just rephrasing our belief more accurately and
without the use of absolute terms can reduce the volatility of our emotions.
Another step is to deal with repeated emotional upset as
if it were an addiction. Look at when you are dwelling on some upset, how
often, what youÕre doing when you are thinking about something. This may be
hard to do, but try to acknowledge the benefit you feel you are getting from
allowing it to fester. Sometimes we have selfish reasons for continuing to be
angry or upset about something. Or see if thereÕs a pattern to when and where
the upsets happen or come to mind. Planning and practicing for those initial upsets
can keep the mood from spiraling into something more profound—just as
with drinking.
ÒSee the spark before the flameÓ is an expression which is
useful. ItÕs easier to face discouragement early than after the mood has
deepened. We can divert ourselves, we can state motivating sayings (out loud: ÒdonÕt
think poisonous thoughtsÓ is one of my favorites).
We can get up and go do something which distracts us or
which gives us pleasure. Being
physically active is sometimes new after years of couch-potato drinking, but moderate
exercise does directly elevate our mood.
There are plateaus in sobriety. When you reach one, itÕs
no reason to be discouraged. Where were you 6 months ago? Where do you want to
be 6 months from now? Sometimes taking the longer view is helpful.