Behavioral approaches to sobriety have specific tools for
dealing with Low Frustration Tolerance. LFT is our inability to remain calm in
the face of the petty annoyances, irritating events and people, setbacks and
obstacles that we face on a day-to-day basis. These are known triggers, and our
attitudes and beliefs about them can lead to unhealthy behavior. The phrase Òdrive
us to drinkÓ comes to mind.
But what about major frustration—the emotional
upheavals that come from life-changing events? Frustration, perceived lack of
control over our environment, embarrassment, humiliation, distress about world
events, anxiety and fear: these can lead to anger, depression, and a spiraling
pattern of behavior seemingly borne of despair.
What about loss of a job? Relationship or marriage
dissolution? The child whose behavior is increasingly passive-aggressive, or
withdrawn? The illness or death of a loved one; a boyfriend in the military
mobilized for war; financial difficulties beyond our control; egregiously bad
or abusive behavior by a family member or employer? War, terror, snipers, or
cataclysmic weather? Our own illness or severe physical pain? Folks on this
board often describe life events that are very hard to deal with. But remember:
folks who deal with similar or worse events cope with them without alcohol.
Sometimes events or the behavior of others can be
unarguably difficult. We may be attracted to drugs or alcohol because they help
us to escape, mentally or physically, these difficult circumstances. We canÕt
change the facts, but we can change how we react to them. The simplest
behavioral principle is that we can change our beliefs. The same principles we
use to deal with low frustration tolerance can be helpful in facing
life-altering events.
1. Change
your vocabulary. Especially avoiding the tendency to label events as ÒbadÓ can
make a big difference. Be more realistic: describe the events more precisely.
Something can be difficult, hard to deal with, frustrating, challenging,
painful, distressing. Or use humor to describe the events: itÕs the pits, the
sh*ts, etc.
2. Get a
reality check. Recognize that your perception of the situation may be based on
your beliefs and emotions, rather than on the facts of the case. In other
words, some of your beliefs may be irrational. It can be very difficult to step
outside your own head and look at the situation objectively. Seeking the
perspective of others can provide a reality check. ThatÕs what weÕre here for.
3. Simplify
the issue mentally. Assessing a major event can bog down into quibbles about
the reality of the situation. ÒIs it really that bad? Am I being realistic?Ó
You may want to just yell ÒYES! The situation really IS dire!Ó So breaking it
into smaller parts can be an effective way to compartmentalize the problem. ÒI
am overwhelmed by my motherÕs illnessÓ can be harder to deal with than ÒFinding
nursing care is expensive and tedious.Ó A big problem can often be viewed as a
series of smaller, more tractable problems.
4. Avoid Òawfulizing,Ó
which is overstating the severity of the situation. Dwelling on the severity of
the problem is less productive than
a) working
on a road map out of the quagmire, or
b) working
to develop a healthier attitude about things we canÕt change. Which leads to É
5. Accept
reality. Recognize and accept what you canÕt change. Look outside that
seemingly overwhelming situation at the things that are working. When my son
and I went on a camping trip shortly after my wife left, I was looking
melancholy one evening and he asked me what was wrong. I commented that this
was the first time weÕd done this without her. And he said, Òyeah, but thatÕs
not ALL bad, is it, Dad?Ó ThatÕs a pretty good motto when youÕre beginning to
despair: it isnÕt ALL bad, is it?
6. Find a diversion. Filling your time with
activities that take your mind of the depressing situation can be the first
step towards accepting it. IÕm not saying you should avoid the problems—avoid
the triggers. What are the things you like to do? Why not spend more time doing
them?
7. Smile even
when it hurts. Cultivate your sense of humor. This is really a way of
deflecting discouraging emotions. Consciously seek out things that make you
smile, or better yet, laugh out loud. There really can be humor in almost
everything. One of my junior high school teachers asked me, ÒIs everything
funny to you?Ó To which I replied, ÒitÕs better than the alternativeÉÓ Ok, so I
had to sit out in the hall for a while—but he did crack a smile.
8. Know the
symptoms of depression and anxiety. These are real physical phenomena with
emotional roots. Recognize when they are occurring, have a plan for dealing
with them, and seek help if necessary. In the long run, dealing with the
underlying causes of depression or anxiety will be one of the keys to long-term
sobriety.
9. Mark your
progress. After an event occurs, there will be longer intervals between
episodes of sadness or anxiety, and there are likely to be longer intervals
between urges to drink or use drugs. These facts are related! Notice how long
youÕve gone since you last had an emotional upset or an urge.
10. Anticipate your
frustrations and urges. Do you usually have stressful times in the early
evening, when youÕre frustrated by the amount of housework to be done, or on
Friday evenings, when you used to always do such-and-such? Or when the clock
hits 5:30, Ôcuz thatÕs when you always used to start drinking? Have a diversion
in place, or a disputation; look at the mantra that youÕve got written on a
card in your pocket or purse.
It has been said that Òan urge is often a flag that there
is some other underlying situation that requires looking into. We usually drank
as a response to stress over a situation. What is that situation and how can we
deal more effectively with the situation, instead of just dealing with the stress?Ó
That last part is important: Òinstead of just dealing with the stress.Ó
Remember—remind yourself consciously, daily, out
loud—that nothing which is sad, frustrating, or difficult will be made
better by drinking. Nor, in spite of our belief, will drinking make it more
bearable. Drinking increases depression, exacerbates anxiety, and delays
positive action.